You don’t hear a lot of young people use the expression, “snap out of it,” but I heard those words on TV and in movies regularly while growing up.  It’s a response to a person who may be in a funk, another dated term, to describe a depressed state. The individual who says “snap out of it,” is usually annoyed or exasperated because they don’t understand what the troubled person is actually experiencing or the seriousness of their dysfunction.

A stereotypical example of this occurs in some form when a parent, (usually the father), is upset with their son or daughter, when they are a teenager or young adult.  Fathers, more so than mothers, see their off spring as a “chip off the old block”—another outdated phrase.  Even though we live in a culture now which seems to embrace victimhood, generations from the past wanted to see their sons or daughters exceed their own success and create lives for themselves which any parent could be proud of in the most conventional ways.  Some cultures are more achievement-oriented and put tremendous pressure on their children, to at least not embarrass them with choices they make and how their lives turn out.

In the context of emerging serious mental illness, it is more often the case that parents will go into denial, or simply not have any reference point, that their child’s strange, depressed or erratic behavior could be anything more than a phase which they will grow out of.  Hence the knee-jerk response, “snap out of it” or “get your act together.”

Some parents scramble to find solutions outside of addressing the mental illness head on.  Perhaps their child just needs a change of scenery, like living with auntie for a while, or going out of state to another school. Perhaps their child needs to stop seeing certain friends deemed a bad influence or other bans on social outlets put in place until their loved one “snaps out of it.”

Often, a parent will know that a deeper and more complex problem is lurking, but out of sheer frustration, they will plead with their son or daughter to be grateful for what they have and to simply stop wallowing in “self-pity.”

This frustration and lack of empathy is also imposed by strangers. When we see a young, able-bodied person not working or going to college, it might be easy to assume the person is just lazy. When my own son with schizophrenia was placed in a Sober Living House at the recommendation of a social worker, he had a difficult time doing the required household chores and 12-Step meetings.  The house manager called my son “lazy” out of ignorance. He had no idea that it might literally be hard to put one foot in front of the other when you are in a psychotic state.

As I wrote in my memoir, Noah’s Schizophrenia, parents often search for years, for the non-existent Holy Grail of superior mental healthcare, in hope their son or daughter will snap out of it or “come to their senses.”   We all want to see recovery and stability for those we care about, but telling them to their face that they just need to snap out of it or stop being so self-absorbed is a sure fire way to trigger more alienation, non-compliance, and lack of motivation for even the most basic demonstrations of self-care.

There are many clues to look out for when mental illness is emerging, including a fairly rapid change in personality and behavior, sleeping patterns and personal hygiene out the door.  Once the illness has fully taken hold, a psychotic break or a series of episodes are not going to conclude neatly and quickly just because a family member begs the ill person to walk it off, shake it off, or “get some counseling.”

Seriously mentally ill people, of any age, need to know that they are not being judged harshly or their feelings and perceptions ridiculed.  Trust must be established or re-established with any family member or friend, to suit the new situation because the seriously ill person is not entirely the same individual after the illness takes hold.  More than fifteen years into this journey, I am still amazed that I need to praise an adult man for doing his own laundry or figuring out on his own how to schedule his day more efficiently.  But that is what is necessary, and therapeutic, for the long haul—for someone who is permanently disabled and who will never “snap out of it.”

There is essential reading for anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship and effectiveness with a friend or family member who has serious mental illness. It is Dr. Xavier Amador’s book, I Am Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help!– How To Help Someone With Mental Illness Accept Treatment.  It was written years ago, but is still in print. There are also YouTube training videos in how to use the book’s L.E.A.P. method of dialogue, which stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. The paramount take away of the book and this article is that serious mental illness, like schizophrenia, includes a component called “anosognosia” or lack of insight. It is a borrowed medical term, used in the mental health realm to describe a symptom of the illness itself, where the ill person is unaware of the depth or severity of their illness.  In other words, they are not “putting on an act” or just in denial.

Dr. Amador’s book is not for those suffering from mental illness; rather, it is for the people in their life who care about them and want better communication skills so they can garner more trust and effectiveness with the person.

Kartar Diamond is a Mental Illness Advocate and author of the memoir, Noah’s Schizophrenia: A Mother’s Search for Truth.